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| Top 20 Thumbs-Down Curriculum Vitae Bloopers |
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Nobody's perfect. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. It's just that some of us appear to make far more than others, at much more inopportune moments, and with even more catastrophic consequences for the long-term health of their careers. We're referring of course to CV Bloopers—those terrible typographical tumbles that so often spell the difference between Head of the Pack and head of the queue at the Department of Social Welfare. Learn from the misfortunes of all those who fell at the very first hurdle—ensure your CV is error free.
 Career Objectives
To be a meteorologist. But since I possess no appropriate qualifications, I suppose I should try farming.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting nothing and no one. A role in a psychiatric ward is preferred.
Career Summaries
I have an excellent track record, although I must point out that I am not a horse, and in fact dislike animals.
Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head, which may be useful for children's parties.
Major Achievements
Instrumental in successfully ruining every single aspect of the entire operation for a global corporation.
Carefully disposed of €2.5 million in assets with more on the way, including the company pension fund.
Comprehensive oversight of the department and all 8,600 employees under my direct managerial control.
Education
No actual education or experience, except for an evening class in flower arranging, in which I failed to pass.
Extensive multicultural curses in liberal arts, long curses in computer science, and minor curses in accounting.
Skills and Abilities
Love to donate blood. Fifteen gallons and counting.
Facility to meet deadlines while maintaining stringent composer.
You will be pleased to discover that I am a extremely rabid typist.
My fanatical level of customer service is sure to put your clients at ease.
My zeal and focus? Unparalleled. My ability to complete projects on time? Unspeakable.
Exposure to German for two years. Unfortunately, many words are inappropriate for business.
Proven expertise in track down and correct spelling and grammatical erors as and when they appear.
Personal Details
Married, 1992 Hatchback.
References
None—I've left a trail of destruction behind me.
Don't take my former employer's comments seriously, he was a tight-fisted slave driver.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my CV on my office voicemail.
Want to avoid the faux-pas footsteps of the unfortunates above? It's easy: All you need do is lavish some time, care, and attention on your new CV—just as we do—and make sure to have it proof-read by a friend. Simple!
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