Top 20 Fate-Worse-Than-Death Interview Catastrophes

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We've all had job interviews at one point or another—they're the price we pay for gainful employment. We spend most of them in a kind of blind panic, our tongues dried up, our lips aquiver, our legs like jelly beneath the conference table. 'Don't do the don'ts,' is the mantra that we silently intone. Don't zone out. Don't interrupt. Don't start fidgeting. Don't stop nodding. While there's no denying that the interview process can be harrowing, take heart: it could be worse. Much worse—as illustrated by these tales of woe from shell-shocked interviewers.

1. 'A balding candidate abruptly excused himself, citing an urgent need to use the restroom. He returned to my office minutes later wearing a bedraggled toupee, but continued the interview as if nothing was awry.'

2. 'The applicant revealed that she had been out of work for some time so as to come to terms with a mental illness. I asked if she was ready to return to work. She replied that only the Agents of Alfalfa could know.'

3. 'When I asked him if he had any hobbies, he clapped his hands in delight, stood up, and proceeded to tap dance around the room. I asked him to sit down, and he responded by perching on the edge of my desk.'

4. 'I asked the interviewee—a trainee counsellor—what she remembered of her life as a child. She rose from her chair, aghast, exclaiming, "No! The courts promised they'd suppress all that once I turned eighteen!"'

5. 'Following a successful interview in which the candidate had impressed me, his attaché case opened when he picked it up. The contents spilled out, revealing ladies' undergarments, assorted makeup, and perfume.'

6. 'I noticed a considerable gap in this applicant's work history, between the years of 1997 and 1999. When I questioned her about it, she replied, "That was a very important period in my life. I thought I was a man."'

7. 'The applicant had obviously eaten something that disagreed with him before the meeting. Despite this, he continued to answer my queries, though I felt the need to cut our dialogue short due to ventilation issues.'

8. 'When I asked how she dealt with stress, she placed a hand to her chest and told me she was experiencing severe palpitations and a loss of sensation in her side. I ended the meeting and called for an ambulance.'

9. 'A thin-haired man in his late fifties came to see me in relation to a computer support position. He confided to me that he was also considering a career in modelling, and asked me if I thought he looked like Batman.'

10. 'Clearly intoxicated on some substance or other, the candidate staggered into the interview room, looking angry, and challenged me to an arm wrestling match. I fought her off, and she fell, fracturing both arms.'

11. 'Pointing to his briefcase, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. I told him the interview was over. He reached down, opened the case, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need a new desk.'

12. 'She demanded to know who "the hunk in trunks" was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I told her he was my husband, she asked if he'd always liked older women, and if it might be time to change.'

13. 'At the conclusion of the interview, while I stood there in horror, he went through my handbag, whipped out my brush, styled his hair into a quiff, and left, saying he was late for another interview across town.'

14. 'She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time. I said that I found her manner hugely inappropriate, to which she replied, "How would you know? You're not my Walkman."'

15. 'The interviewee couldn't seem to stay still. He clicked his pen, ground his teeth, and kept drumming his fingers on the table. I thought this was a case of nerves—until he asked me if a drug test was required.'

16. 'At the end of a two-hour interview, the applicant made it known that she had no interest in the position, but was only here because the Department of Social Welfare requested proof that she was job hunting.'

17. 'I was interrupted by an important call in the middle of the interview. While I spoke with the client, the applicant produced a copy of FHM, and looked at the photos only, stopping longest at the centrefold.'

18. 'The candidate pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. She said she liked to take photos of those who interviewed her. I asked why, and was informed that I would "find out in Valhalla."'

19. 'An alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologised, and said he had to run for another interview, assuring me that this was probably a blessing in disguise for both of us.'

20. 'She said she had seen that episode of Friends where Jennifer Aniston knots a cherry in her mouth, took a plum from her purse, and asked if I'd care to see what she could do with it. This concluded the interview.'

Having gasped at the actions of those who regard the interview process as a convenient place to highlight their idiosyncrasies and showcase their ineptitude, rest easy in the knowledge that nothing you say, nothing you do, could possibly be worse then what they have said, what they have done. And then take that knowledge to the interview room, where a dried-up tongue, quivering lips and jelly legs are nothing more than par for the course.

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